Couples therapy after infidelity

Many people are alarmed by how they react to infidelity. Images that return unbidden, a detail you can't let go of, a wave of anger out of nowhere. That doesn't mean you're failing. Something important was hit, and your system is processing it.

It's part of the process, not a lack of willpower. It becomes less intense as more calm and safety develop. You don't have to process this alone.

Every situation is different. For some it was a one-time mistake, for others a long-term affair. Sometimes the betrayed person asks for help first, sometimes the one who was unfaithful. I don't make assumptions about what you should feel.

Infidelity breaks something fundamental: the trust you had in each other. For the person who was betrayed, a chaos of emotions emerges. Anger, sadness, insecurity, the feeling that nothing adds up anymore. For the person who committed it, there's often shame, guilt, and the fear of losing everything.

I work with both of you. We talk about what happened, but also about why. Not as justification, but as insight. What made one of you seek something outside the relationship, and the other perhaps feel unsafe? Painful questions, but necessary for recovery.

I help you put into words what's going on, listen without seeking to be right, and take steps that restore your relationship. I don't push you to stay together. Sometimes separation is the healthiest choice, and that too I help you do with respect.

Even in the chaos, the work begins with a free, no-obligation intro call. We go on only when you feel comfortable. Session length, frequency, and evaluation work the same whichever path we take. The approach page walks through it step by step.

There's no quick fix for what happened. The process often takes months and asks honesty of you both, with each other and with yourselves, and the courage to face painful things. Between sessions you'll get reflections to take along. None of it is obligation; it's part of finding your footing again.

Infidelity is heavier when you are far from home. International couples often have nobody here they can tell — family is in another country and time zone, and the friends you do have are usually shared with your partner, so telling one of them means telling everyone. Some couples in that position find that the sessions become the one place the subject can be spoken about at all. Sessions run in English, at the practice in Uithoorn near Amsterdam, or online.

One practical thing worth knowing early, because it is often the first question internationals ask: this is not covered by Dutch health insurance, so you pay for it yourself — Dutch or foreign insurance makes no difference. There is no referral to get, no waiting list, no claim to file, and nothing about it enters a medical record, which for some couples is the point. You pay per session in advance, by payment request or bank transfer, and the intro call is free. Rates are on the pricing page.

A first session is rarely about the "why" straight away. We start with calm. We make concrete agreements, for example about openness, contact with the third person, and when you do and don't talk about it. So the ground under your feet feels a little steadier.

Later we look at the story underneath, at what came before it. Not as justification, but as insight. A session often ends with one concrete step for the coming week.

No fixed protocol. Every situation is different, and most people move through these phases.

Not a solution, but something to make the day more bearable while you think about a next step:

• Agree with yourself on one time slot in which you do not talk or search about it. That keeps it from swallowing every hour of the day.
• Write the questions that keep spinning onto one list, instead of asking them over and over. We go through that list together.
• Don't decide anything irreversible right now. A decision made in the first chaos is rarely the one you'd make later.